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Diary of a Private Banker: Hey bro, Coutts is chilling with new superstar client it’s billing

Freddie Pooter, 20/11/2020

Coutts & Co has been busily cultivating newly-emerging generations of clients from backgrounds in new wealth, like Youtubers and video games entrepreneurs.

I can reveal that, as a result of such forays into the new and modish client segments, the bank has claimed hip-hop superstar, Stormzy.

This can surely help Coutts boast that it is the most chillin’ private bank around, relevant whatever walk of life clients come from.

Rapper Stormzy, real name Michael Owuo Jr and born in Croydon, rose to fame in 2014. Young people tell me he gained attention on the UK underground music scene through his Wicked Skengman series of freestyles over classic Grime.

Conservative private bankers like ourselves may not be familiar with such advanced musical genres as generally we prefer classical, established themes like soul, R&B, garage, house and, on occasion, gangsta compositions.

Snoop Dogg is generally favoured by client-facing advisers while our oldest colleagues stay pretty faithful to MC Hammer. His immortal “You can’t touch this” strikes a strong chord in all of us who have worked so diligently over the years to stop compliance from knowing what’s really going on.

As always, Coutts never comments on its clients – new or old.

Stormzy seemingly ‘fessed up to being a client when talking to the BBC about his new video game, Watchdog’s Legion. This is set in a dystopian London of the future, where Big Brother surveillance has become total. So the game has themes of protest and struggle against oppression, a la BLM etc.

Stormzy / Credit: DeShaun Craddock

Running one video scroll near a virtual Trafalgar Square, Stormzy in a voice-over points up the Strand a bit further and remarks “that’s where my bank is...”.

“Ah, Coutts, Her Majesty the Queen’s bank,” the interviewer commented.

This is not the only mention Coutts has received from entertainment stars, this time from the three lunatics who front BBC’s Top Gear.

In a recent edition, the trio went off to Cyprus, hired cars and attempted to emulate the crazy style of Greek-Cypriot drivers, a breed who make even Parisian motorists seem like little old ladies in Nissan Micras.

The cars were returned to the hire c...


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